vichekesho bomba

Jamaa alimpa lift mwanamke, basi ikawa kila akibadilisha gia mkono unagusa paja la yule binti,basi yule mwanamke akawa analalamika na kusema "kasome Mathayo 7:7"Jamaa akaogopa na kuacha kumshika! ile kufika home tu jamaa akakimbilia biblia. Kufungua akakuta imeandikwa"OMBENI NANYI MTAPEWA"

PADRI aliwaomba waumini mchango wa kuzungushia ukuta eneo la makaburini, mlevi akauliza kuna marehemu aliyewahi kutoroka? Ukuta wa nini?

Kuna watu wawili walienda railway station wakakuta train ndio inaondoka wakaanza kuikimbiza mmoja akafankiwa kuipata"alieachwa akawa anacheka"watu wakamuliza unacheka nini wakati umeachwa? akasema yule aliepanda alikuwa ananisindikiza mimi"

Padri alihubiri akasema, Biblia inasema kuwa wasiotubu, wakiendelea kutenda dhambi watalia na kusaga meno siku ya hukumu. Kibogoyo 1 akacheka, akamnong'oneza mwenzake akasema,"Sisi tumebarikiwa kwa sababu hii adhabu ya kusaga meno kwetu haipo', Asante Yesu......."!

Siku moja kulikuwa na harusi kwenye kanisa moja hapa Tukuyu, wakati misa ya ndoa ikiendelea Mchungaji ikafika wakati wa kuuliza kama kuna mtu mwenye kipingamizi na ndoa, alipouliza kama mtu babu mmoja na mkongojo wake akajivuta taratibu mpaka mbele, bibi harusi alipomwona akapiga kelele "Mungu wangu" akaanguka na kuzimia, Mchungaji akamuuliza "Ehee babu tuambie una kizuizi gani?" Babu akajibu "kule nyuma spika mbovu nimeamua kuja mbele nisikie vyema".

Mdada kachukua simu ya mpenzi wake na kujibeep kwa lengo la kujua mwenzi wake kamsave kwa jina gani,huku akiwa na matumaini ya kukuta jina kama wife,sweet,darling,honey,lahaulah kubeep tu kakuta jina la RASHIDI FUNDI BOMBA

Dogo mmoja wa darasa la kwanza alipanda daladala huku akiimba kwa sauti kubwa v2 alivyofundishwa school “baba akiwa jogoo mama akiwa kuku mimi ntakua kifaranga,… baba akiwa beberu mama akiwa mbuzi mimi nitakua ndama’’ dogo aliimba kwa muda mrefu mpaka kondakta akakasirika, akamwambia ‘’Ah weee! hebu nyamaza.. jee kama baba angekua msenge na mama malaya weee ungekua nani?” dogo dogo akamjibu “ningekua kondakta

Jamani duniani kuna watu wa ajabu yani huwez amini juz kanisani nilikaa na jamaa 1 anavuta sigara kanisan bila uoga,nlitetemeka nusura niangushe bia yangu

A Gal was towelling her wet Pussy.
She enjoyed It and started rubbing it vigorously until the pussy cried meow and ran away.....

Be kind to animals

baada ya kutoudhulia kanisani kwa kipindi kirefu sana na kuongeza maudhulio kwenye club na disco na sehemu za sitarehe kwa sana... jamaa kaamua kwenda leo ili apake majivu.kakuta mzee wa kanisa mlangoni ikabidi amuulize hivi leo kiingilio shilingi ngapi sababu mara ya mwisho niliacha ilikuwa 5000 bila kinywaji.

One day her neighbor found out! Then he made a hole in d wall,removed d man's dick and put his dick instead waiting for the lady. The lady came with a knife, cuts the dick and said darling we are movin out....

Jamaa akiwa kuzimu akamuuliza Israeli " Samahani Mkuu naomba nimpigie simu wife Israeli akajibu " Poa, dakika ngapi? Jamaa "dakika tano tu Mkuu" , Jamaa alivyomaliza akauliza "Mkuu shilingi ngapi? Israeli akajibu " kuzimu kwenda kuzimu ni free mjomba"

A 70 yr old man asks her wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"
Wife replied, "No not at all. Even dogs chase cars they can't drive!

Mvuta bangi mmoja alikuwa uchocholoni anavuta bangi mala akasikia sauti nzito akauliza "we ni nani?" sauti ikajibu me ni izlaeli mtoa roho" Mvuta bangi akajibu "dah umenishtua kweli nusu nijinyee nilifikili polisi,njoo tugonge vyombo"

TWO DIFFICULT THINGS TO ACHIEVE:
1. To plant your ideas in someone else's head.
2. To put someone else's money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER

And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE.

The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND

Walevi watatu walilewa sana, wakakodi taxi.
Mwenye taxi alipowaona wamelewa sana akawasha gari halafu kazima, akasema "tayari tumefika."
Mlevi wa kwanza akatoa pesa akampa dereva, wa pili kamwambia dereva "thank you"
wa tatu akampiga kibao dereva kamwabia "Shenzi siku nyingine usiendeshe mbio utakuja kutuua"

Son:"Dad, what do I give my new girlfriend as a valentine gift?"
Dad: "How does she look?"
Son: "She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with and of course very sexy"
Dad: "Give her my number..

A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks."

Moral Of the Story : Space is essential for a successful married life.

jamaa mmoja alikua anapita nje ya wodi ya vichaa..akasikia kichaa mmoja anapiga kelele akisema 11,11,11 alivozidi sogea karibu ile sauti ya yule kichaa ilikua ikongezeka ikiashiria alikua amekaribia pale anapopigia kelele. Basi kulikua na kitundu jamaa akaona achungulie ajue ni nini anacho hesabu. Mara tu alipo chungulia, yule kichaa akamtoboa jicho na akaanza kuhesabu 12, 12, 12

Mgombea alienda katika kampeni za uchaguzi kwenye Kijiji cha SENGE mkoani Ruvuma.
Salamu ikawa hivi:
"M/kiti na Katibu wa Senge..
Ndugu Wananchi wa Senge..
Vijana,Wazee na Watoto wooote wa Senge..
... Mabibi na Mabwana wa Senge..
Habari zenu.."
Watu kimyaa..
Akaendelea,"wa Senge Oyyeee!"
Wananchi,"mwenyewee..!"

Mangi mmoja street kwetu alipopokea bill ya Maji ya mwezi December 2011 iliyokuwa T.SHS 300,000, akawapigia DAWASCO huku akifoka. Aisee "NAONA BILL YA YALE MAFURIKO NIMELETEWA MIMI".

Beki tatu alikuwa anafanya Usafi chumbani kwa tajiri yake, ghafla akaona kondom uvunguni akaivuta na mfagio halafu akauliza "mama hii nini"
Mama akajibu kwa hasira "hivi wewe ina maana haufanywi?"
Beki tatu akajibu "nafanywa lakini boyfriend wangu ngozi huwa inabaki ya baba mpaka inatoa ngozi kwani mashindano?"

Binti mmoja alimuuliza ndugu yake wa kiume"kwa nini baba na mama wamo chumbani tu hawatoki takriban wiki nzima hii"? Yu le kijana wa kiume akamjibu nduguye" sijui"huku akiwa anacheka,yule binti ikabidi amuulize kakaake kwa mshangao mbona unacheka sasa!? Kaka mtu akajibu" Baba na mama walinitaka niwapatie vaseline lakini mimi nilifanya mistake nikawapa gundi".

Mangi kaanguka mbele ya geti la tbl... Watu wakasema mpeni maji... Mangi akasema.. Ningetaka maji ningeenda anguka dawasco.

Mlevi kapiga simu polisi:
MLEVI: hallow kuna wizi umetokea, nilipaki gari nikakuta stelling dashboard na siti ya dereva havipo.
POLISI: tunakuja sasa hivi, upo mtaa gani?
MLEVI: ooh samahani! Msije kumbe niliingilia mlango wa nyuma.

Kaka mmoja alikuwa kanisani kakaa karibu na mrembo wakati pastor anahubiri kaka akaanza:
kaka: jaman dada nimekupenda, we mzuri, hakika we ni tunda la moyo wangu.....
dada: kaka naomba umsikilize mchungaji...
kaka: nakupenda kweli nipe moyo wako, usiogope tutanunua hata CD tukasikilize nyumbani nikubalie tuu
dada: hivi kaka huniskii?
... kaka: akika kweli umenibamba nitakupa kila hitaji la moyo wako...
dada(kwa kelele):nimesem a niache,
kanisa zima likawageuka, kwa kuona aibu yule kaka akasema...
"SINTAKUACHA MPAKA NIONE UMEKUBALI YESU KUWA BWANA NA MOKOZI WA MAISHA YAKO"

Mzee mmoja aliwakataza vijana kuvuta bangi karibu na nyumba yake,Wavuta bangi wakaamua kumwamisha,kwanza wakavuta bangi ya kutosha wakavua mashati wakaanza kusukuma ile nyumba, kibaka akapitia yale mashati, mmoja wao alivyogeuka nyuma hakuyaona akajua wameshafika mbali akawaambia wenzie tukazane tumefika mbali hata nguo zetu hazionekani wakaendelea mpaka bange zilivyoyeyuka kchwani wakaona wako palepale.

Peponi kutakuwa hakuna watu wengi kwasababu ya roho mbaya zetu!
Mtu anacho lakini kumpa mwenzie anaona haramu!
je ungepewa kazi ugawe riziki tungepona? pengine wewe roho yako nzuri hebu tuone!
mimi simu yangu haina vocha naomba unipunguzie! nina hakika mtihani huu utafeli,
kama mimi muongo tuma vocha sasa!

Bibi alienda kupiga Xray, Doctor akamwambia moyo umetoboka katikati na pembeni umevimba pande mbili. Bibi akasema we mtoto nadhani umechanganya negative ya picha mtu alipiga matako yake?kalete yangu

Afisa misitu alikwenda kwenye shamba la miti la jamaa kukagua, Jamaa akamwambia usiingie muda huu,Afisa akatoa kitambulisho cha kazi akamwonyesha huku akimwambia "We nani wa kunizuia? Niache nifanye kazi yangu" Jamaa akanywea akamfungulia gate. Baada ya muda jamaa akamuona afisa misitu akifukuzwa na nyuki huku akipiga makelele "Mama nakufa nisaidieni Nyuki wataniua" Jamaa akamwambia WAONYESHE KITAMBULISHO BLAZA

Jambazi aliingia MSIKITINI na bunduki akasema:
"Haya wanaojifanya wanampenda MWENYEZI MUNGU NA MTUME wabaki na wasiompenda watoke nje". Waumini wote wakatoka nje ndani akabaki IMAM na wazee wawili tu! Jambazi akamgeukia IMAM akasema 'SHEIKH' sasa unaweza kuendelea na swala yako, nilitaka kukuondolea wanafiki tu!

Dent mmoja baada ya kushindwa kujibu mtihani ikabidi afanye hivi kwenye karatasi ya kujibu maswali /////////////////// kisha akaandika.. "KWANGUA UTAONA MAJIBU"

Mtumishi wa MUNGU mmoja akiwa kwenye gari alisimamishwa na Trafic Police,police
akiwa anahitaji rushwa alianza kuuliza maswali mengi, mara mbona
gari lako linatoa moshi mwingi? mbona gari lako matairi yameisha,
hatimaye polisi akamuamuru padre waende nae kituoni.
Njiani polisi alimuuliza , umesema wewe ni Mtumishi wa MUNGU, je unabiblia
ndani ya gari, akajibu ndio ninayo, polisi akamuambia ,
pack ...gari pembeni na unipe biblia. Mtumishi akapaki gari na kumpa biblia
yule polisi,Polisi akasita kupokea, akamwambia Mtumishi 'fungua na usome
Mathayo 5:25-26 "Mtu wa Mungu akasoma ":
"Patana na Mshtaki wako upesi,wakati uwapo pamoja naye njiani: yule mshtaki asijekukupeleka kwa kadhi na kadhi akakupeleka kwa askari,ukatupwa gerezani.
" Amin nakuambia,Hutoki humo kamwe hata uishe kulipa senti ya mwisho"
Mtu wa Mungu akampa yaliyo yake kaizari.
Polisi akatabasamu na kusema 'msifanye migumu mioyo yenu".. Enenda kwa amani

WASIFU WA MAREHEMU USIO WA KINAFIKI Mwenyekiti wa kamati ya mazishi akainuka na kuanza kusema ‘kinachofuata sasa ndugu wafiwa na marafiki wa marehemu ni kusoma historia fupi ya marehemu tuliyemzika hapa leo, karibu ndugu uliyeandaliwa kwa shughuli hiyo’ Msomaji aliyeandaliwa alianza kusoma ‘Ifuatayo ni historia fupi ya marehemu tuliyemlaza ktk nyumba ya milele. Marehemu alizaliwa juu ya mti ambapo... mzazi wake alijihifadhi baada ya kukimbia mafuriko miaka 26 iliyopita. Hakubahatika kupata kazi ya maana japo alisoma mpaka kidato cha tano, aliamua kuacha shule mwaka juzi baada ya kuona elimu haina mpango kwake. Marehemu alikuwa kero kwa familia yake hasa kwa tabia yake chafu ya udokozi wa mboga, uongo, uvutaji bangi, ubakaji wa mifugo na baadae ushoga. Mimi binafsi mjomba wake nimefurahishwa sana na kifo cha marehemu huyu kwani alishawahi kunipakazia kuwa nimekufa mara mbili kiasi na kufanya ndugu wote wakakusanyika na kunililia msiba. Mtoto
alitutia hasara sana kwani alikuwa mwizi wa vitu vya ndani na pesa! pia tumepoteza gharama kibao kumsomesha lakini aliishia kuwa shoga tangu tarehe 06/04/99. Mareh
emu hakuugua bali kifo chake ni cha kujitakia kwani kajiua baada ya kukosa nauli ya kwenda Mombasa kuhudhuria onyesho la vikundi vitatu vya mduara. Kwa niaba ya familia, wazazi, ndugu, jamaa na marafiki wa marehemu tunatoa pongezi za dhati kwa Mwenyezi Mungu kwa kutupunguzia kero na asiilaze roho ya marehemu peponi wala asimpumzishe, kama kuna mkong'oto huko ampe kiaina'. AMINA

Vitu 10 Ambavyo Wanawake Wamewazidi Wanaume...;
1. Wana Nguo Nyingi Kuliko Wanaume.
2. Wanafahamu Nani Ni Baba Halisi Wa Watoto Wao.
3. Ni Wepesi Kupenda Na Wakipenda Hupenda Kweli.
4. Wanaoga Mara Nyingi Zaidi Kwa Siku.
5. Wana Huruma Sana Ingawa Mara Nyingi Huwa Inawaponza.
6. Wana Uwezo Wa Kubadilisha Tabia Ya Mwanaume Muda Wowote.
7. Wana Uwezo Wa Kuishi Na Kupendeza Bila Kuwa Na Kazi Wala Biashara Yoyote(Akili Kumkichwa).
8. Kwao Nywele Na Kucha Ndo Vitu Vya Kwanza Kufikiria Wakitaka Kutoka.
9. Wana Uwezo Wa Ku-Pretend Kwa Muda Mrefu Zaidi Hasa Kwenye Mapenzi.
10. Nipe Nyingine Unayodhani Nimeisahau..............

A Nigerian mom says after receiving news that her teen daughter is pregnant, "chineeke my daughter u have killed me oooo,i told u if a man touches ur breasts say DON'T! and if he touches ua vagina say STOP! u didn't listen 2me u stupid gal." the gal replied,"but mama i did..... he was touching both places at da same tym so i said "DONT STOP"

Swahili couple went to London.
One day in the hotel room,the husband heard his wife scream, "Panya! Panya!"
He wanted to inform Room Service but didn't knew what the English word for "panya"
Si unajua mswahili hashindwi kitu?
Husband: Hello,room service
... Room service: Yes sir,how can I help u?
Husband: Do you know Tom & Jerry?
Room service: Yes, sir,I know Tom & Jerry
Husband: Jerry is here is here in our room!

Kuna jamaa alikuwa amekufa vibaya kimapenzi kwa demu wa chuo ila demu akawa amemkatalia kuwa na mchizi pamoja.
Siku moja mchizi akaenda kwa demu akamkuta ameloweka chupi zake anataka azifue,mchizi akamuomba aletewe maji ya kunywa,dada aliporudi na glass ya maji akakuta jamaa kanywa yale maji aliyolowekea chupi zake,demu akamuulza "wewe kaka una kichaa?",jamaa akajibu,'' nyama umeninyima,hata supu nisinywe?!!''

MUME.: VP dia leo umekula nini nilisahau acha hela ya mlo
MKE: tumeshindia mapera me na shemeji ako, alafu me ndo nilipanda mtini
MUME: Mh ajakuchungulia chupi?
MKE: WE? nilimshtukia nikavua mapema nikapanda ivyo ivyo
MUME: mh?

Jamaa jasho likimtoka na panga kali mkononi akaingia msikitini,akaanza kuwauliza,hapa nani muislam?wote wakawa kimya,akauliza tena, jamani hapa nani muislamu?watu wakaendelea kuuchuna,akamchukua mmoja wao aliyekuwa amekaa mlangoni akatoka nae nje,kufika nje akamwambia,samahani mkuu wangu kwa kukusumbua,naomba unichinjie mbuzi wangu, jamaa akakubali akamchinja yule mbuzi,kisha akamwambia mie kuchuna cwez labda urudi tena msikitin, jamaa huku panga likiwa limejaa damu akarudi msikitin,jaman nani muislam hapa? wakamuonyesha Imamu,Imamu akaanza kujitetea,Aah jamani yaani mie kuswalisha leo 2 ndo nimeshakuwa muislamu!!!_ (WEEKLY JOKE)